Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
