I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Alive.
So much puke
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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