u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
