Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
