Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
