I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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