Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
