Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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