dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
