there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Randomize
