Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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