Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i came on her dog
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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