Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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