we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
