Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
