I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
