Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
