beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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