lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
