"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No subtext here. People are naked.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
