Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
