I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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