I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
