Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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