I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
