Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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