After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
