I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
