Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
