My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
