he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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