one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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