"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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