my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
