genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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