I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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