Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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