I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
