Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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