guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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