I need to stop coming to work sober
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
