Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
