i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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