I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
