WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sarcasm needs its own font
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
