Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
