Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
