I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
