Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
