I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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