And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
