your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
