i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
